Before I even begin I am tempted to stop. The words I am about to type already seem ridiculous for me to publicize and yet I still feel them and am so compelled to express them. I feel pressured. Pressured by the people who love me most. Why?
Because they believe in me.
I am embarking, for the first time in my life, on to a path solely of my own choosing. Were it not for the amazing support of my husband and family there would be no way for me to do this and yet, I am frozen in place and have been for too long. I am scared. Scared to fail, scared to disappoint and as always scared of making mistakes. My brain tells me failure and mistakes happen and lead you to new paths, but some other force within myself tells me not to move. And so I stand still, restless.
It is almost insane but there are too many people who believe in me. And their support and belief almost feels unwarranted and too high of an expectation. I am not sure how to move forward without focusing on those who stand behind me. I want to write and with no objective other than to express my thoughts and feelings but it sometimes feels like the support behind me can see grandeur in my words of the future. They quickly see opportunity ahead of me, new avenues I’ve never considered for myself and I am overwhelmed by all of it. I succumb to “what if” worries and fear myself into stalling.
And at this moment I recognize and understand that fear rules me. It takes opportunity and possibility away from me and I let it. Instead of using the support that lies behind me, waiting as an untapped source of energy to help push me forward, I shrink before it and close the open doors ahead of me. Is that really who I am at my core, someone who closes doors on herself? Yes, that is who I am, but it can be who I was.
Though the doors I need to go through right now feel as though the whole world leans on the other side, I can use that support I am so lucky to have to start wedging them open, bit by bit.
Here’s to pushing back fear, accepting a nudge and walking towards the unknown.